The Journey So Far

2 years since my last post...

Lets see,

I would like to think that I have grown as an individual and more mature now, but its possible that that's far from the truth.

I would like to think that I have come a long way since then, but may be I have just been floating with the current and not really swimming towards any particular goal.

I believed I was agnostic then, I am an atheist now...

          Its funny, how I started as a kid voraciously reading about hindu mythology, or may be I just like to read. Then as I finished high school and I thought I was spiritual and not religious. Then in college when I was trying to find a middle ground between my rationalities and doubts, I found agnosticsm. And now when I am so passionate about being an atheist, I am 26...

         I guess the wet cement starts to toughen up by this time and you stop getting any new influence. Though I really hope I stay open to ideas, open to failure, open to something that I am totally against right now.

From early 20s I have entered my late 20s, soon I'll get married, have kids and sttle down into the idea of an Indian man settling down and probably even like it and there is nothing wrong with that.

Earlier when I used to start writing, a lot of abstaracts used to come out, a lot of starts but just starts, now when I write I always finish(keeping a journal in the old fashioned way instead of blogging now-a-days). I guess the thoughts are forming into ideas now. Earlier there were varities of issues I wanted to talk about but never really felt so strongly about any one. Now I do have a few that I actually care about deeply.

I believe I have finally found a voice, its a young voice but my own. It will take some time for the voice to grow into something worth listening to but hopefully I'll get there. For the time being, its probably time to get those thoughts off of the journal pages and on the web pages...

Till the next post...

One from the memories... (5th)

The Ringtone


It was a hell of a day for me and I treated myself with a lonely treat at A1 Plaza. I liked it there. It was really quiet, no one went there and it should’ve been long closed, had it not been for the company policy to keep it running. Sitting there, I was striving to take my mind off what I heard half an hour ago. The cool breeze wasn’t helping. A passenger train passed by the railway track running aside the restaurant and took me back to my first meeting with Nysha.

I offered her my seat on the way to Bhubaneswar, though I was traveling without ticket myself. We connected instantly. Both of us loved music and me being a composer and she being a singer helped. We exchanged numbers.

That was the time I set that ring tone for her and it has stayed that way ever since. It was my favorite ring tone. I had never used it for anyone before. I was waiting for someone special. I had met that someone right then. A brown eyed girl, who winked at me from behind her glasses, each time she caught me checking her out. I was living a dream for the last four months till this day. I loved her, I never confessed it even to myself but deep within I knew I was getting addicted, as I gave up my other addiction, smoking. Love gave me a bigger high then tobacco.

We’ve met numerous times since then, mostly on dinner dates and movies, though the word date was never used. We spoke for hours on phone and had to cut our pocket money short for the outrageous prepaid costs.

He called yesterday saying he was coming to town. I loved and respected him, not just because he was my cousin but more than that he was my idol, a successful software engineer and someone who stood by me in all ups and downs in my life.

We met for lunch today. He led the chat as always.

“Bro, there’s a good news.”
“Yeah, tell me.”
“I’m getting married.”
“What? You’re kidding… ”
“No man, I’m damn serious. Well, I never believed in this arrange marriage thing but… I’m in love, with the girl mom chose. ”
“Who’s the lucky lady?”
“She’s someone you might know.”
“Who’s she?”
“Well, she’s a BCA student from town, daughter of Pankaj Joshi, the lawyer… Man, the day I first heard her voice on phone, I knew from that day, she’s the one. We’ve been talking on phone for the last three months and last week she said she was going to say yes to her dad about the proposal. She sings too, that’s why I thought you might know her… ”

I was speechless. He was talking about Nysha. I couldn’t hear any more of his words. I left saying I had a class to attend. How could she do this to me? All this time she was seeing another man. But then, she never said she loved me nor did I. We’ve never spoken about our feelings for each other. Rather, I had never taken the initiative. I should have… I blew it. I decided the best thing to do now is to forget her and never call her again.

Torn between these feelings I drank four coffees and eight cigarettes at a stretch. Then I heard that ring tone. My heart pounded, it was heavy. I checked my cell phone but no one was calling. I looked everywhere around but there was no sign of any other cell phone nearby.

But that ring tone was buzzing, buzzing hard inside my head. In a failed attempt I tried to throw the phone away but my eyes felt moist instead. I was going to cry. I couldn’t be a loser, crying like this. As I drank a cup of coffee at one go, I realized I had to speak with her. I called her and she answered.

“Hey sweetoo”
“Hi Nysha. How’s it going?”
“Great, I’ve a special news to share too. I met someone today.”
“Yeah, I think I know him.”
“Really?”
“You met Vicky right?”
“How do you know that?”
“Well, he’s my cousin.”
“Really? So you know about the marriage…”
“You never told me about him.”
“I didn’t know myself, I thought it was just a passing thing as usual but now, it’s so different, you know.”
“Yeah…”
“It’ll be great. You could compose a song for the wedding and I can sing with you, it’ll be lots of fun.”
“I don’t think I’ll be around the wedding, got some recording stuffs and my semester’s next month, so… ”
“How can you miss such an important ceremony? I was thinking of introducing you to my parents that day. ”
“Sorry yaar, I can’t come. Anyways, congratulations.”
“Thanks. Hey, why not meet for dinner tonight at 9 at the same place. I’ll introduce you to the would be bride”
“I’ve already met her.”
“When did you meet Trisha?”
“Who?”
“Trisha, my elder sis, the would be bride dumbo. When did you meet her? Did she auditioned for the spring fest? I know she’s a better singer than me but then I also have a unique style.”
“..eh”
“Are you there? Hello. I can’t hear you. ”
“…eh, yeah, I think the signal is week. I’ll call you later. bye”

Oops…! I need some time to soak this in. It was her elder sister! God, what a fool I’m.

As I started jumping in the air, I realized all the waiters were watching me. But I didn’t care. I had learnt my lesson. I went through the most painful one hour of my life, just by the thought of losing her and no, I’m not going to wait anymore. I’ll confess my love to her.

Then I heard the sweetest melody in the universe again, the ring tone. As I checked my cell phone this time, it was for real…


the ringtone...

One from the memories... (4th)

Why do I like you...


I like all those persons who are clear about their priorities, what they want from life. I would love to be one of them but I'm not. So I like you.
You are beautiful and the ever smiling face is like cream on top of espresso. You carry yourself in the best possible way. You are one hell of a talented person, still you are so modest. So I like you.
You stand by anyone or anything you like and accept them with all their imperfections and I'm the most imperfect creation of the almighty. So I like you.
You never try to make me feel special but the very thought of calling you and be in your acquaintance makes me feel special. So I like you.
In fact I just realized that I've more reasons to like you then anyone I ever had. So basically being a software engineer, I'll rationalize and say, You are one person I would love to be in love with but I'm not yet in love with you.
But I'm working on that and hopefully soon fall in love with you and when that day comes this will be the place where I'll declare my love for you. God, Please let that day come soon...
Till then all I can say is... I like you more than I've ever liked anyone
I like you more than I like me...

One from the memories... (3rd)

Stop The Hatred


The cry fell towards the mountains. The victim of destiny started his journey once again. The cry was never received by any one. He is still striving in the same manner for salvation. Who was he then? Who is he now… Gandhi is not just a name from the pages of a 5th std. history book. Gandhi is the value that we refuse to rediscover within ourselves. He’s not just another piece in the puzzle of life... He’s the missing one!
When I was a kid, I never understood what they meant when they say somewhere some sort of danga or communal riot was going on. The disturbing visuals on the television were alien to me. I never understood why Tausif uncle never returned from Balasore after the 90’s riot. Which religion gives the right to take lives? Politics is the answer. What I knew was that I loved him and he was not going to come back ever. Tausif uncle’s son Shahid was my best friend. After his death his family moved to Bhubaneswar and gradually I lost touch.
After 12 years when I moved to Bhubaneswar, I met Shahid and we became close again. We were in the same tutorial. When he told me the real story behind Tausif uncle’s death, I was shocked. That day in Balasore humanity died. As a doctor Tausif uncle was visiting a friend who was down with cholera. But he never reached there; he was killed on the way in the riot. His body came back in pieces. In the biggest democracy of the world people were killing each other in the name of religion. How stupid are we people to be misleaded so easily by the so called leaders for their cheap political gain!
The biggest truth in our life is, we are Indians and everything else comes after that. Because at the end of the day its ‘we’ that matters. Shahid is as normal as me. He breaths like I do. He feels like I do. He is as keen to serve this country as I am. Our difference in religious beliefs doesn’t bind us to be enemies, to kill each other. If that’s what every religion teaches than to hell with it. We don’t want any stamp of religion to survive or serve our country. It’s high time now for the people to realize that; love and nonviolence are the weapons that will bring peace in the country not hatred. The Gandhian values have to be reestablished for the country to prosper.
That will be the final peace placed in the puzzle of life. Everything else will fall into place gradually. Independent India was founded upon the Gandhian values; without the foundation we can not build our home, our country.